Harry Potter and the Staring Contest of Doom
by Mrs. Norris1
Summary: Harry and Voldie are in the midst of an intensely intense staring contest...who will win? Barbies, starfish, and lots of laughs! Please read if you love insanity!


Yay! I am on a fic-writing spree! I has been months since I wrote an insanely funny fic, so I might be a bit rusty. Just R/R, pwease. I love Daniel Radcliffe! Yay!

Harry Potter and the Staring Contest of Doom

Harry and Voldemort were looking daggers at each other. Not only were they looking daggers at each other, but they were also looking penguins at each other. This was all because Voldemort had told a "Yo Mama" joke to Harry and it was very offensive. It went a bit like this, "Harry, yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a T-shirt from Target, helicopters mistake her for a landing pad!"

It was also a rather strange joke, seeing as Voldemort would have no idea what Target or a helicopter was. However, Harry took it as insulting just the same because he was just so sensitive about his mother. 

Voldemort had then raised his wand to kill Harry, but instead, Harry offered the idea that they have a staring contest.

"Can it be an evil staring contest of doom?" Voldemort had said excitedly.

Harry sighed. "Yes, it can be an evil staring contest of doom."

"Goodie!" Said Voldie. And so, they engaged in the intense contest.

Now this contest was so intense that Harry was beginning to get a bit tired. His eyes were watering and his eyelids were shaking. But Voldemort, who only had a thin, clear membrane that wiped away dirt and other debris from his eyes instead of having eyelids, was not tired at all. Harry was ready to simply give in and blink when all of a sudden, a sudden something suddenly occurred. A heavy stone from the ceiling slid out and hit Voldie right on the noggin.

"Ha!" shouted Harry. "Vengeance is mine!"

Voldemort stood up. "Owie," he said weakly. Harry noticed his eyes were no longer just snake-like slits, but they were a deep blue and quite large and glistening, almost like anime eyes. "Hi, I'm Starlight Fairy Barbie. What's your name?" Voldie/Starlight Fairy Barbie held out a hand for Harry to shake. Harry noticed the nails were painted a violent shade of pink. They shook hands, then Voldie/ Starlight Fairy Barbie began to dance round and round. 

"La, la! Starlight Fairy Barbie, lighting up the town, Starlight Fairy Barbie, see her pretty gown! He he!"

Harry slowly edged away, then found the nearest exit and ran. "Gotto getof here!" He puffed. He was finally stopped when he ran into Hermione, knocking over the stack of books she held in her arms.

"Harry!" Said Hermione angrily.

"Sorry, Herm, but Voldemort thinks he's a Barbie doll and I think a large plot twist is coming next because that's what usually happens when evil villains turn into child playthings."

And come the plot twist did. And in fact, it was the most twisted plot twist Hogwarts had ever seen. The entire student body, Harry and Hermione included, turned into silver organza ribbons for 2.13 seconds, then back into humans. 

"Wow," said Neville Longbottom. "That sure was a twisted plot twist."

"Biddle my widdle!" cried Dumbledore, who happened to be walking by. "Wasn't that crazy?"

Everyone had somehow been magically transported into the Great Hall at that moment, where Voldemort/ Starlight Fairy Barbie was waiting. 

"Eeeewwwww!" screamed Lavender Brown. "What _is_ that grotesquely horrifying thing?!"

There were cries of terror from every student as Voldemort, who had now completely metamorphised (that's not a word but who really cares) into a Starlight Fairy Barbie, patrolled around all of the tables. 

"Now, as you can see," he said in a very womanly voice, "I have been transformed into a Starlight Fairy Barbie. This is because I was quite unhappy as a man and I-"

He was cut off by Draco Malfoy. "You're a man?" he said, horrified. "I knew my father was cheating on my mother with you, but I at least thought you were a woman. Eeewwww! Now you're not even the same _species_! EEEEEWWWWW!!!!"

"Silence!" shouted Voldie/ Starlight Fairy Barbie. "Or I shall be forced to make a drastic maneuver!"

"What're you going to do?" asked Ron. "Beat us to death with your long, plastic strands of peroxide-colored hair?"

That was the last straw for Voldemort/ Starlight Fairy Barbie.

"Raaaarrrr!!!" He screamed, ripping off his tutu and frilly shoulder things and whipping them at Ron. They hit him hard in the face.

"My eyes! My eyes!" screamed Ron in agony.

"Ronald! Oh, my Ronald!" yelled Hermione. 

Voldemort/ Starlight Fairy Barbie began laughing maniacally. The little star thingies around his waist spun and spun, carrying him high into the night sky above him. Higher, higher, he rose until – WHAM! Voldie/ Starlight Fairy Barbie hit the ceiling. He had forgotten it was only _bewitched_ to look like the night sky. Down, down, he fell. Professor Trelawny caught him in her arms. He was back to his old nasty self. 

"He's mine!" the old hag shouted, dragging her unconscious prize out of the room. "All mine! Ahahahaha!!!! Come Thomas, let's make out in the broom closet! Oh hoo hoo!"

There was a long silence only interrupted by a cricket chirping somewhere.

"Ooookay," said Snape.

"Hello!" said someone in a high-pitched voice. All the heads in the hall whipped around to see who it was (come on people, you know what line is next).

It was, of course, Gilderoy Lockhart. "I am a starfish!" he said happily. Everyone fainted.

Wow. That was really strange. Well, please review it. No flames, remember that Mrs. Norris is a cat not a Phoenix.

P.S. In a duel between Voldie and Bin Laden, who do you think would win? Just a thoughtjust a thought


End file.
